I have strong feelings about names, emotional problems

Names should mean something.  I hate, hate-hate-hate, more than anything else about Pathfinder's dumbness, the profusion of meaningless Star Wars names that pop up everywhere in Golarion.   Let me grab one out of Kingmaker, at random.  "Jhod Khavken."  What the fuck is that?  Okay I didn't pick it at random that's literally one of my least favorite names ever.  First off, I hate the English way of pronouncing J.  Take Spanish or Nordic, but what's this "juh" sound?  Feel that tingle behind your teeth when you make that noise?  I hate that.  Then that impact on the roof of your mouth with the "duh."  Both of those in close proximity are sort of unpleasant.  "Jod."  Stupid name.  You know who had a nose for stupid names?  George Carlin.  Maybe because George, with its two "juhs" in close proximity, isn't a great name.  I mean, it's a respectable name---obviously, it means "Farmer" and its most famous bearer is the knight of knights, yadda yadda, but I will never love it (although Greek Iorges and Russian Yuri are good).   Anyway George Carlin had it right---names that end in "duh" sound stupid.  "HI, I'M TODD."  Todd.  Todd.  Jod.  Jod.*  At least words like "justice" and "Jor-El" give you a little breather after the Juh.   SHUT UP I'M NOT DONE. 

*Genuine apologies to anyone named Todd or Rod reading this.  It's not personal.  Especially to New York Jets head coach Todd Bowles.  Sorry about your 2016 season.  

Kavken."  What even is that?  Is that supposed to be like, etymologically related to Kraken?  Cah-vuh (as in "Popol Vuh" or "Varoom") -ken.  Seriously?  You know what I love about Tudor England?  Like literally everybody was named Tom or John.  You need a name?  John Thomas, literally, just like, look at that John Thomas over there, ambling down Drury Lane.   I need to name an NPC?  Tom Jons.  Jon Toms.   Tall Jon.  Strong Jon.  Bald Thomas.   You know what you get when you name a random-ass NPC Bald Thomas?  An immediate connection to a real culture that exists, a sense of place and of the kind of traditions this place has.  You know at once there's a lot of Toms around so this guy is differentiated by the kind of unflattering nickname peasant mums are always flinging around.  You do the same thing in Spanish, by the way.  Everybody is called for their worst trait.   The guy with the saggy chest is Chichis.  The guy with thin eyes is Chino.  So-on.

Obviously, Paizo, I'm not asking you name your questgiving NPC Chino Jones  (but what about "Elf Jones?"  In a world where short, wiry elves with big anime eyes and pointy ears are a thing maybe small-framed guys get called Elf, Elfy, The Old Elfer, IDK).   You know what's a good NPC name?  Baldersnatch.  It's like "balderdash" but sounds bold, and grabby (he baldly grabs).  You'd reflexively tighten your fingers on your coin pouch the second your DM says "the guy running this place is a round geezer named Baldersnatch."  Okay, here's a better example: Rumpelstiltzkin.  Come on, that's a name that tells at once you this guy is dowdy (rumpled), maybe awkward (stilted), but with a name that long and complicated he can't just be dismissed. 

Give people a name like that, a name that has a sound.  A name that has character.   What the fuck is the character of Jhod Kavken?  Is he from Mos Eisley Spaceport?  At least Star Wars was doing a thing with, like, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  That dude has a deliberately weird kinda oriental sounding name so you instantly know, after being introduced to the Skywalkers and the Darklighters, that Old Ben's Really Not From Around Here.  Jhod.  Jhod.  Jehod.  God.  I hate that name.   And like I said, someone at Paizo is really in love with soft noises like "juh" and "sh," and just awkwardly mashing consonants that shouldn't go together together like "vuhhk" or "sht" (you think that swear exists because it's just a naturally unpleasant pairing of sounds?  Like "ffk?"  I may be on to something there).  It makes a lot of their dumb fantasy names viscerally unpleasant to read (oddly enough, the word "viscera" is kind of pleasant.  Just say that to yourself, "viscera, viscera, viscera.")   Should I make a list of consonants that pair well and ones that are dissonant?  Like "puh-luh" (pleasant, please) "puh-ruh" (pretty, prim), versus, well, "duh-suh" (dis, dys).  

Should I even post this or am I giving myself away as insane?   

e:  I TRIED TO FIX THE FONT SIZE AND IT WON'T FIX.  I WILL FIND JOHN BLOGGER OWNER OF BLOGGER LTD. AND I WILL KILL HIM 



ee:  Look at Tolkien, he knows what he's talking about.  "Ainur" and "Noldor" are pleasant sounding, almost soothing words.  "Grishnakh" is not pretty to any sensibility.  It's what we caricature middle eastern language as sounding like---durka, durka.   "Cavendish" is a very unpleasant, soggy name although it does force the lips apart at the sides as if one were speaking around a pipe, interestingly.  Also here's a name that's totally an exception to my rule about unpleasant noises: Jerjerod (as in, the Grand Moff).  Lots of Js, ends in Duh, sounds a little ineffectual but of noble bearing (you've got a "rod" in there like kings wield, the kingly color red, I dunno).


eee:  Just is an ugly word and rightly so.  It is an interjection ("Just----") and a harsh (hsh) thing, whereas I think we can agree it is more pleasant but not quite as exacting to be fair as opposed to just. 



 

Names

Names of Saints
St. Emertius, St. Euphemius, St. Evander, St. Elfhelm, St. Llaws, St. Lloys, St. Rhondice, St. Cappestan, St. Angel, St. Meir, St. True, St. Hollyhelm, St. Lizard, St. Loreleis, St. Albagar, St. Albundegus, St. Ambrosio, St. Wine, St. Music, St. Orelice, St. Fulkestan, St. Bastantius, St. Pruelice, St. Jodelice, St. Josclyn, St. Ross, St. Rosalmer, St. Palmer, St. Markflorice, St. Pranstantius, St. Effervescia, St. Efectual

Names of Farms
In normal conversation you usually drop the "farm."  Like, nobody says, "I'm looking for Green Valley Farm," just, "I'm looking for Green Valley." 

Litchfield farm.   Green Valley Farm.  Rolling Green Country Farm.  Pleasantview Farm.  Luckless Field Farm.  Lonely Field Farm.  Leprechaun's Farm (not run by a leprechaun, everyone just calls it that).  Hidden View Farm. Corpsrikker Farm.  Stoneybroke Farm.  Elephant's Farm.  Patched Banner Farm.  Goodwinter Farm.  Burned Field Farm.  Smoking Hill Farm.   Farm of the Famous Rapist (a merely historical episode).   Swelterfield Farm.  Dropped Drake Farm.  Pottery Barn Farm (did you know ancient clay sherds make excellent composting material?)  Wooly Woods Farm.  Longacre Farm.  Acrewood Farm.  Mark's Hart Farm.  Jodelsynger Farm.  The High Farm.  Overlook Acres.  Green Acres.  Waystone Standing Farm.  Prentice Llaw's Farm (Prentice Llaws has been dead 100 years).  Swathecutter Stream Farm.   Mashed Acres.  Dustswallow Farm.  Wurstenwurster Farm.  Brewer's Field.  Circular Acres.  Holy Road Acres.  Mere Acres.  Many-Acres Farm (consists of three acres).  Rockpile Acres (famous for its mysterious stacked stones, piled by bored shepherds 1,000 years ago).   Lookout Acres.  Whichwaycres.  Whocres.  Cramped Crooked Acres.  Kingsweed Stand.  Highthistle.  Yellowclay.  Bitterbrook.  Patched Earth. 

Names of Local Beasts (Peasants are always giving names to the local Thing Out In The Woods That's Killing Them)

The Careless Beast.  The Loomer.  The Stumper.  The Precious Horn.  Smellymouth.  Moleslayer.  Turnip.  The Sweet Screecher.  Little Big-Blow.  Spiderfriend.  Peeling Petey.  Freshclods.  Clogstomper.  Lamplighter.  Puddle-Look.  Turn-in-the-Rows.  The Hay-Fish.  Thrice Threshed.  Hands-Me-Down (walks on hands, attacks with feet).  Everytooth.  The Handsome Man.  Maresnatcher.  Head-of-Thyme.   The Garlic Thief.  Between-the-Boards.  Roofhiker.  Eye of the Dawn (a pretentious legend).  Roaming Betty.   The Forest Crab (peasants have insane notions like, crabs are huge and have six claws and giant mouths and race over the land on high legs.  Responsible scholars know crabs have three claws at most and rarely grow bigger than a child).  

Names of Neighborhoods
Orcsrest.  The Bog.  The Gallows.  The Looms.  Fairy's Gate.  Swallowtail Hill.  The Reeks.  Shaker's Place.  Vinegar Way.  Pay-Me-Later Street.  Lover's Lane (PDAs strictly not allowed).   Glasstown.  Fireball Street.  Cartbreaker Cobbles.  Lost Horse Lane.  Planksroad.  Maypole Winter Abbey.  Shrine Street.  Blusterwind Bowles.  Gathers Street.  Carding Cane Gardens.  The Rookeries.  Pigeonhole Place.  Sunkhouse Look.  Dormice Town.  No-Beggars-Here (full of beggars and a frequently-raided wishing well).  The Sighs.  Double-End Street.  Bell-Bottle Circle.   Cherry Court.  Eggbasket Alley.  Lost Spice Lane.  Roadshoulder.  The Boulders.  Mallard Court.  Fulminating Stews Place. 

Names of Princesses (or at least Ladies)

Note that I like the German pronunciation so read names ending in "e" as ending in "uh."  However read a name ending in "ce" as in "advance."  Read names ending in a double-e as ending with "y."  A C followed by an e should be read as a soft C.  V should be pronounced "W" or W as "V" unless it follows a consonant in which case "B."  So basically I'm not consistent at all if I want to use an English or German reading.  Just sound it out and go with what's best.

Fulminee.  Charmine.  Cureen.  Leminee. Variance.  Aldbalde.  Avfulde.  Drebdys.  Creminy.  Caring.   Aldys.  Guangshivre.  Meredith.  Blungwyldys.  Orcrine.  Peresmeneen. Perisnalde. Aptmenyn.  Aspys.  Currant.  Hoargaldvys.  Geldgertys.  Archruthyne.  Foringoldys.  Prumenny.  Petal.  Dylicht.  Ermine.  Baring.  Atlantys.  Terecynce.  Eminentia.  Advantia.  Godsgyft.  Riddynce.  Hulmine.  Clyming.  Aldrudys.     

I hate Pathfinder's names.  Someone at Paizo has a real thing for slavic-sounding soft noises like "ish," "isht," "vsh," and it makes my teeth itch reading that shit. 

 

Kingdom names for D&D

Eburonia (first thought would be related to ebony but as this plant is unlikely to grow in a northern clime a better explanation is probably needed.  Some way I can etymologically relate it to German brun for brown?)

Skarmander (from sicarius, "dagger/assassin" + salamander.  Doubtless some local heraldic beast.) 

Manticore (Shamelessly ripped off from the Honor Harrington books which I've never actually read.  But I love the idea of "Manticore" as a place name).

Tesselpot (No idea how to relate this one to any real language but I love the name.  Sounds like some little corner of Olde England inhabited by an eccentric German noble family for centuries, the kind that would build nutso architectural follies around their creepy ivy-encrusted manorhouse).

Hochsump (Definitely better name for a Barony or Duchy than a kingdom but the name comes from hoch, or "high" and sump which means "a wet, sunken pit, a bog" so it's "The High Sinkhole" which is fantastic).  

Eratso (definitely some kind of Mediterranean country, probably a crossroads for a bazillion different lingual groups over the millennia.  Name makes me think of Erictho who was a witch in Greek/Latin literature so the land might be named for one of those powerful wizardy-types who are always getting themselves immortality or minor godhood.  Maybe it's said the Goddess still sleeps in a smouldering local volcano). 

Vauntlythe (I don't know where I got this sound except it kind of sounds like "Dauntless" and "Vaunted" which are cool quasi-medieval words ascribed to knights, but that ending also makes me think of lethe---you know, the pool where the water makes you amnesiac?  So like a timeless country or a land out of time, like a magic castle that appears here and there maybe to hold Christmas/Spring feasts with dancing and contests and Deeds of Great Danger and Worth being declared.  I really like that idea, like Castle Vauntlythe just appears sporadically around the setting and its undying king is always welcomed by the changing realms of mortalkind). 

Marcelesse (Okay this is a stupid stupid pun but hear me out: few things are more medieval than bad wordplay, and also it sounds like Marcellus which is a name from Antiquity.  Perhaps the quasi-legendary first founder of the country akin to Brutus of Troy for Britain?  And then the local knights all just ran with it because how awesome is it to say "reke ye I am of the Countrey Marcelesse!" and ofc. the local chivalric brotherhood is The Marcelesse Order.)

Terraunce (Apparently the name "Terrance" is derived from Latin Terantius, which nobody knows the origin of.  Obviously I like it as a country name because you've got that "Terra" in there.  Sounds like land and sounds like terror, a lame pun Games Workshop has made meal of for decades).  Plus "Thierry" is one of the more common Franco/Belgian medieval noble names so how would you like to be le Comte Thierry du Terraunce?  You can just imagine that asshole being crane-lifted into the saddle in his ridiculous joust armor with like a visor in the shape of the sun and more sun-shaped crests on his shoulders like "aughn-haughn-haughn, fighte-moi, mon ami!"  

More later as I think of them maybe or also maybe never

Basic Retainers/Hirelings

Knobby Sally -
TN Human Thief 1.  Leather Armor, thieves' tools, pair of daggers, hunter's crossbow & bolts.  She's a very bony girl, but they're very long bones and she stands an astounding 6' 1".  Could become very pretty if fed a few decent meals but then why would she stick around with you? 

Morgar the Heavy -
LN Human Fighter 1.  plated leather armor, heavy wooden shield, morningstar, shortbow & arrows.   Obese, pallid and bald as an egg.  Tries to give his extremely round head more definition by means of a dashing scarf.  His mom was a wealthy baker but all he ever wanted to do was become was a knight.  He has a slice of cake painted on his shield which will be his arms when he's knighted, someday, he says. 

Fulk the Younger -
TN Human Fighter 1.    Ring-and-leather armor, heavy wood shield, arming sword, shortbow & arrows.  Blandly handsome, 20something generic young human warrior.  Will claim this isn't his first rodeo; if forced to be more specific, will say he's been in "a few" fights before.  If pressed further than that he'll mutter something about militia training exercises being very realistic.  He is the most likely to fall for any kind of monster that uses girly allure such as a Dungeon Nymph or a Succubus, and he sort of hopes that happens. 

Olgier the Drunk -
CG Human Fighter 1.  Ring-and-leather armor, greataxe, javelins x12.  He is the town drunk and he knows it and owns it.  Actually the bravest hireling but alcohol makes him more selfish and prone to abandoning his post.   Has actually seen some military action, although he mostly just rowed a longship and waved his axe back in the fifth rank.  Still, a brush with genuine greatness makes him able to recognize it so he will be more loyal to people that deserve it. 

Hawke the Rogue -
NE Human Thief 1.  Leather armor, club, sap, shortbow & arrows.  Much less cool than his nickname implies.  He has a pretty sweet fu-manchu and chin-strip thing going on along with Prince Valiant hair and a fancy circlet to hold it in place.  He stole that circlet, it is the nicest thing he owns, everything else he owns is spotted and dirty.  He's one of those dudes who just seems to exude a natural grease somehow.  Thinks he's a wise-cracker but mostly just a snipy complainer.   Prefers to break and enter or crack some heads rather than pick locks. 

Brann the Reckless -
CN Human Fighter 1.  Leather armor, buckler, spear, handaxe, shortbow & arrows.   No one actually calls him "the Reckless" except himself, in the hopes it makes him sound tough.  Actually is reckless, but more in the panic-and-flail-wildly way than the raging-shieldbiter way.  Gels his bright red hair up in tremendous spikes and doesn't wear a helmet, so that's pretty reckless.   His father owned a printshop and he is, surprisingly, literate.

Toastif of Mugwose -
TN Human Thief 1.  Leather armor, short sword, crossbow and bolts.  Woodsman and hunter around Bryden Wood near the Village of Mugwose.   He is on the run for poaching, which is what the Bailiff of Mugwose calls it when commoners hunt for their own table.  He knows how to make mushrooms safe to consume for trippy fun times and is waiting for a chance to pop down his last one.   He has all kinds of fucked up rural peasant beliefs like leaving coins in his boots at night or hopping on one foot three times if he steps on a crack.   He is pretty much used to being fucked with and just takes it.